Halloween is a special time of year for Dearborn resident Kathryn Straith-Johnson and she's really tired of you meddling kids always ruining it for her. So she penned a letter-to-the-editor of Patch to lay down the official rules of Halloween as they exist in her own ever-loving mind. Let's break them down.
Patch Dearborn: 1. You must be a child old enough to say "trick-or-treat," and too young to drive yourself to the store to buy your own candy.
Parents, you probably expect us to believe that your whole dressing your adorable baby/toddler in an adorable Halloween costume and showing him/her off is just wholesome Halloween Fun. Ms. Straith-Johnson is onto your vile scheme to use that child to steal her candy. And she will literally not give any candy to your baby. Also, teenagers, that lawn ain't for walking. So just step right off and move along...on the sidewalk.
2. You must be in costume.
Actually, like a stopped watch, she is on point here.
3. You must be able to walk from your house to all the other houses you visit. If your neighborhood does not have trick-or-treating, or it is not safe to do so, organize a Halloween party at your house, school, place of worship, or community center. Halloween is more than getting candy; it is about spending time with friends and impressing your neighbors with your creative costumes.
In other words, kids shouldn't show up in Dearborn demanding Kathryn Straith-Johnson's candy just because they had the misfortune to grow up in a neighborhood that maybe isn't safe or populated enough to allow them to go trick-or-treating close to home. Sorry about that, kids but you shouldn't expect suburbanites (the real victims here) to sacrifice the cost of an extra bag a candy just so you can enjoy a timeless American ritual like Halloween.
Also, speaking as a child during the razorblades-in-candy moral panic era, there is nothing lamer than the Halloween party in lieu of trick-or-treating. It's the worst. The absolute worst.
4. Do not smash someone else's pumpkin. Do not steal or destroy someone else's Halloween decorations.
Well, sure, but it's usually not trick-or-treaters doing the Halloween petty larceny thing so much as drunken local hooligans several hours later. Probably, for people who think everyone under 50 looks that same, it's hard to make that distinction.
5. Parents, if your child is too tired to walk, cannot carry their candy bag, and/or is crying, it is past time to go home.
Christ, parents, how dare you carry your tired four-year-old? If you aren't going to teach your little brat some self-reliance, take the kid home so bitter old people don't have to look at it. This is Halloween and it is a time for adults to enjoy themselves, not kids.
6. Parents, there is no trick-or-treating for your baby, sick child or yourself. Please walk with your child. Do not drop them off in an unknown neighborhood or follow them in your car; neither is safe.
Sick kids? They're a problem, really? Sorry your son/kid sister is home with the chicken pox, but no candy for them because rules. And this don't drop them off in an unknown neighborhood thing because it's unsafe is some epic concern trolling. Kids wandering around and exploring with other kids is kind of the whole point of Halloween.
Can you even imagine living near this humorless bore? Good God.
If you do live near her, or if you want to take your infant trick-or-treating, or if you're from a neighborhood that isn't ideal for trick-or-treating, come to mine. I'll give you double candy just to spite the insufferable Kathryn Straith-Johnsons of the world.
Seriously, there are really only three rules for trick-or-treating: 1. Wear a costume and be polite; 2. Don't break stuff; 3. Have fun and eat a ton of candy.
