Jeff "Moishe" Wattrick
Assuming you read the Nation of Islam’s “Final Call” newspaper, and I assume you do, then you’ve probably learned about my big secret. I’m Jewish. Not only that, I’m part of the international Jewish media conspiracy.
Final Call: The Jewish reporter Jeff Wattrick clears the mystery up in his enlightening column May 24 titled “John Conyers Can Take His Louis Farrakhan Apology And Shove It.” Wattrick reviewed the whole episode and decreed that “Conyers saw fit to condemn the minister, not so much because he was offended — after all, he went a week without saying anything — but because the Anti-Defamation League . . . didn’t like it.”
Wattrick did not need to tarry around the issue. He was unambiguous and resolute: Only one thing, he insists, could have forced a powerful 50-year United States government high-level official, the second-most senior member in the House of Representatives, to at first nod in harmony with a Black speaker, stand in solidarity with the Black Congregation to applaud said speaker, and opine approvingly of that speaker to a Black news reporter — only to express to White people the exact opposite opinion 5 days later.
Mr. Wattrick, a proud Jew, has openly admitted what everybody already knows and can now plainly see — that the American government operates under Jewish power by its manipulative use of threats and intimidation.
The funny part is this shocking secret was only revealed to me a few weeks earlier. Vice-President Joe Biden, he really runs all the international Jewish conspiracies, which you’d know if you read “The Final Call,” told me all about it over Chinese dinner on a recent Friday night.
Biden revealed my heretofore unknown faith/ethnicity. He also said my job as a member of both the Jewish faith and the international conspiracy was to get Farrakhan and his allies. We do not “tarry” around that issue.
See Farrakhan’s alliance with the Church of Scientology’s David Miscaviage is particularly troubling for us because, as you probably know if you read Stormfront, we Jews are actually agents for the evil alien overlord Xenu.
Only the NOI-Scientology alliance can bring down the Jewish power structure with Thetan-clearing auditing and bow ties. At least that’s what Biden explained while we enjoyed sesame chicken off the super-secret, super-awesome Jews-only Chinese menu. Better than a Christmas ham, I'll tell you what.
Nu, What's With the Yiddish?
That’s why I had to take down Conyers like I did. Also, Frank Beckmann but I can’t really talk about that one too much. You know, because the Mossad is totally reading this right now. And listening to everything you say. And planning the next 9/11. Those guys aren’t some fakakta outfit — look at me slinging Yiddish! — they play for keeps.
Interestingly enough, my work with the international Jewish media conspiracy is probably the easiest part of all this. More difficult is coming to grips with my newly revealed Jewishness.
How did I not realize this sooner? The clues were there. Philip Roth is among my favorite novelists and I’ve always enjoyed vintage Jackie Mason stand-up routines. Even "Caddy Shack 2" is, to my mind, a very watchable cable movie.
I asked Biden if maybe this was a phase, like some kind of theological confusion that could be rectified at a spiritual retreat. He said, no, I was born Jewish and you can’t just pray the Jewish away.
My big task now is to figure out what it means to be one of the Chosen People™. Do I get a retroactive Bar Mitzvah?
It also seems like Israel offers their citizens really generous health and welfare benefits. Can I get in on that?
Ach, The Possibilities
Oh, and do I get to meet Philip Roth? I know there’s an annual meeting where we all get together and hear from the Elders, but that’s got to be a madhouse. It doesn’t seem like the kind of place where I can pull Roth aside and discuss “The Great American Novel,” which is something I would really enjoy.
Anyway, as you can imagine, it’s been a hectic few weeks for me. I’m just glad to know I’m part of a group that really making a difference by controlling the entire world through the banks and the media.
I should also take a moment to apologize to the good people at St. Paul’s Church in Grosse Pointe Farms. Had I known that I was not really Catholic, I would not have wasted your time by going through First Communion back in 1986. It wasn’t my intention to intrude our your traditions and I certainly wasn’t mocking your faith. I was eight at the time and just assumed that, like my parents and grandparents, that I was a Catholic.
It’s funny how these things work out.
Mazel tov!
