On Monday morning, Detroit Mayor Dave Bing will make an "unprecedented announcement . . . that will have a significant and positive impact on the City of Detroit."
Cool.
What could it be? Reports suggest that Bing will reveal that businessmen led by Roger Penske purchased Detroit 23 ambulances and 100 new police cars.
That’s fantastic. It’s highly likely these reports are accurate, but this hardly seems like it merits a weekend of hype about “unprecedented” news. There must be something more to this. Bing will thank the businessmen for the new rides and then deliver the big news, right?
We think so. That’s why we decided to do what we always do when someone teases an announcement: Speculate wildly and irresponsibly. Here are some completely unsubstantiated guesses about the “unprecedented announcement.”
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Bing will announce a special conclave of Wayne County’s local governments to discuss service sharing, consolidation and even potential mergers. Citing Kevyn Orr’s unique position as an outsider unencumbered by local politics, Bing will say the emergency manager agreed to serve as the conference’s facilitator. “This is about changing the way we all operate for the better,” Bing will say. “It will be the Vatican II of municipal government.”
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Bing will say that while everyone was focused on the EM issue, he and labor leaders have quietly hammered out new work rules to improve city services. “It wasn’t easy to work through all the details, but we got it done,” AFSCME Local 25 President Al Garrett will triumphantly tell the crowd Monday. “So long as worker safety isn’t compromised and overtime is paid beyond the 40-hour work week, we support any change that improves the quality of life for everyday Detroiters.”
- Flanked by regional leaders, including Oakland County Executive Brooks Patterson and Warren Mayor Jim Fouts, Bing will announce that suburban economic development agencies will merge into the Detroit Economic Growth Corporation. Dubbed the “One Detroit” development strategy, the effort hopes to end regional infighting for business and investment. “Some companies prefer suburban opportunities, while others seek the vibrancy of an urban downtown,” DEGC President George Jackson will say, standing arm-in-arm with Fouts. “But we all agree that investment in any one part of Metro Detroit can benefit the entire region.”
- Bing will announce that he’s endorsing new legislation, to be co-sponsored in Lansing by a bipartisan coalition, allowing Detroit to tax blighted property. Assessed as a flat price per square foot, the tax would affect landlords of properties currently lacking a required certificate of occupancy/certificate of compliance, or that have been more than 50% vacant for 12 consecutive months. The city would be required to lower its income tax commensurate with the new blight tax’s projected revenue. “In one swoop, we can provide residents with tax relief while penalizing property owners who have let Detroit rot,” Bing will say.
- Bing will announce he’s secured regional support for a massive expansion of the local public transportation system. The recently formed Regional Transit Authority will craft a long-term plan that builds on existing bus service, M1 rail, and bus rapid transit. With implementation benchmarks and committments to create a dedicated funding source, this multimodal system will stretch from Monroe to Flint, downtown to Ann Arbor. Top goal: make transit the best option for commuting to Metro Airport. “It may not happen in my lifetime, but someday this plan will force Metro Cars to cut its fleet by half and lead to the demolition of the Big Blue Garage for lack of use,” Bing will tell the media.
- Bing will announce that he’s revoking ordered closures of city parks, provided that community organizations agree to maintain them. He will say the law department will finish basic contract language for such deals by the end of the month. “There was some pushback from within the law department,” Detroit’s EM Kevyn Orr will explain. “That resistance disappeared when the mayor explained that if they don’t like this directive, they’ll really hate it when I cut their budget by two-thirds because they didn’t get this done.”
Or maybe Detroit will just get some new police cars.
