Every week, as a service to readers, we bring synopses of the most amusing "celebrity" experts pitched to us by some of America's finest public relations professions. If you'd like to talk to any of these fine folks, feel free to Google their contact info and reach out. We're fairly certain they love to chat.

Win the unwinnable!

Remember that Simpsons where Homer was reading "Hot Lotto Picks Weekly" in bed and you were all ha ha, Homer thinks there's a way to beat a random number generator. Turns out, slow-witted cartoon characters aren't the only ones who think that way. Meet "Theslotguru" Earnest Cash, the "Award Winning Author of "The Secrets to Hitting More Jackpots." A book describing how he hit over 10.3 million dollars in slot machine Jackpots since 2005." We're guessing that any secrets to winning $10 million at the slots from this improbably-named expert involves shoving 80 million quarters into slot machines.

Is there anything Debs can't do?

Deb Jensen is both the author of an "adult fiction romance novel" and children's poetry, so she's well qualified to  to tell you losers how to stop being "afraid" of love. She also an expert in "banking and finance," which really gets to the crux of the matter. If you want a real secret for being successful in love: Get a really big bank account. That way, you can buy all the love you want.

Is everyone an internationally known pop star now?

Are you familiar with Maya Sienna? Neither were we, but she's an "internationally known pop star."  Who isn't? Here's Maya singing someone else's song on YouTube (977 views). She's also involved in some charity thing with Rocky Marciano. Not the former heavyweight champ, he's been dead for years. But (we think) the former champ's son. In October, Sienna will perform an anti-bullying concert. At a high school assembly. In New Jersey.

Keynote Kops

World Renowned Keynote Speaker Eric Papp wants you to know everyone is becoming more self-absorbed. Maybe we've been spending too much time staring the the mirror and not enough time paying attention to the outside world, but when did "keynote speaking" become a thing? Like, it used to be that So-and-so would be a keynote speaker because he's done X or super knowledgeable in Y and X/Y are relevant to the event he's keynoting. Now, apparently, keynote speaking is its own vocation. Wait, what did Papp want to talk about? Something about people being self-absorbed. Meh, we don't care anymore.

Superpoke jokes just write themselves

Facebook is hard. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. If only there was someone, a person who is both a supermodel and a member of Mensa, to explain how to navigate romance on this decade-old social media network? Why doesn't such a person exist? She totally does! Erin J. Morgart can answer all your questions: How has Facebook changed dating and relationships? While it has opened up opportunities for love, has it's overall effect on relationships been positive or negative? Does Facebook create more jealousy in relationships? If so, how? The morning zoo shows must be lining up to interview this one.