Former Detroit Medical Center CEO Mike Duggan has planned for this evening "a very special announcement you won’t want to miss." What could it possibly be?
Conventional wisdom expects Duggan to make his mayoral campaign plans official during tonight's event at an eastside community center.
The problem with that scenario is that Duggan has already said (many times) that he’s running for mayor. Why would anyone hold a big event to announce something that's already been announced fifty million times before? Duggan’s big announcement must be something else, right?
As a service to our readers, we’ve gone full Dick Morris and engaged in some wildly irresponsible speculation about the subject of mayoral candidate Mike Duggan’s big news. What could it be? Here are some guesses.
Duggan will announce that he’s temporarily suspending his campaign and traveling to Europe for gender reassignment surgery. From this point forward, he’ll be known as Michelle Duggan.
Reviving the famed “Power of Two” slogan from the 2005 Sharon McPhail-Benny Napoleon campaign, Duggan will introduce doppelgänger and Hollywood superstar Clint Howard as his running mate.
In an effort to forestall an inevitable fake controversy, Duggan will preemptively apologize to Karen Dumas for some unknown, future slight. With Dumas joining Duggan on stage, the two pledge to work together to forge a constructive dialogue about the issues at the root of their presumed future dispute.
Shouting “YOU GET A CAR! YOU GET CAR! YOU GET A CAR!” to a cheering throng of supporters, Duggan announces plans to buy every Detroiter a new car once he's elected. His opponents will claim the plan isn’t practical, but really, it's no less ridiculous than Duggan’s Belle Isle ideas.
Duggan will announce that he’s withdrawing from the mayoral race so he can devote all his time to a secret passion--launching a line of artisanal ranch dressing made from locally sourced organic ingredients. It's not the worst idea. People around here put that stuff on everything. Duggan will also announce plans for a KickStarter drive to fund the venture's start-up costs.
With years of top secret development and testing now complete, Duggan will reveal a new personal mobility device, codenamed “Mary Ann,” that will literally change the way we design cities.
Having taken Scientology’s free personality test and then undergoing intensive auditing courses personally conducted by David Miscavige, Duggan will explain how Detroit’s problems can only be solved when we clear our systems of negative thetans. As the only mayoral candidate to have obtained OT-7 status, Duggan will explain he is therefore the only candidate who can save Detroit.
Following an outcry from long-time partisans frustrated with his new direction, Duggan announces he’s returning to his original formula—Duggan Classic—and will run for mayor in Livonia instead of Detroit.
Duggan will promise to release his college transcripts to Donald Trump, if the combed-over bankruptcy queen donates that $5 million to Detroit. Because the city could really use that money.
Or maybe nothing like that will happen tonight. Who is to know?
