Maurice Cheeks/file photo
The Detroit Pistons took a five-point lead into halftime of their Sunday afternoon home game with the Memphis Grizzlies. They then proceeded to get outscored 61-28 in a disastrous second half, resulting in a fourth consecutive loss (and 10th in 14 games). Coach Maurice Cheeks had apparently seen enough, leading to a post game closed-door meeting with the team. Deadline Detroit wasn't in the locker room. So we used a little imagination. Here's what we imagine the post-game session went like.
CHEEKS: Let me just start by stating the obvious, men; I’m not happy. Not because we lost...again. It’s more how we lost. See, when we play that poorly for an entire half, it draws attention my way. Fans are staring, the cameras are zooming in. So I ask you, if I’m getting all that air time, how in the world am I supposed to take my 3rd quarter nap? Answer me that. Oh, you don’t have an answer. Of course. Let’s move on.
Where’s my point guard? Oh, there you are Mr. Jennings. Here, I’m gonna connect my arms right now like a mini basket, and you have to throw that empty Gatorade bottle in here. Can’t do it, huh? You’re my point guard. You are supposed to be the one making sure we get good looks at the hoop every time down. How is it possible that you’ve played in 31 games this year, and shot over 50% in just three of them? Who do you think you are, Baron Davis? Oh, and I really appreciate that completely non-existent ball security you’ve been bringing to the table. Thirteen turnovers in the back-to-back losses to Washington? Mind-boggling stuff, kid. Hey, when you get a minute, call up Mr. Dumars and see if it’s too late for us to draft Trey Burke. I think we still have the receipt, so even if we can’t get Burke, maybe the NBA will give us store credit and we can go get a nice set of matching headbands for the team.
Look at this free throw shooting today, guys. Miserable, as always. 10 makes in 20 attempts? The other team hit 18 of 22. This is happening every night. 20 out of 30 teams in this league knock down at least 75 percent of their free throws. Guess where we are? Sixty-freaking-six. UNACCEPTABLE! Drummond, when is the next time you’re gonna step up and actually knock down a pair? In fact, when was the last time that happened? (Looking through stats...rifling through pages...) Okay, finally found it. Almost a month ago. Andre, I know you are young and the franchise’s most promising player, but my man, that is 16 straight trips to the foul line with an opportunity to make a pair where you have failed to do so. Let’s remember here; making two of two at the stripe is not some tremendous feat. It’s actually kind of expected from professional ballplayers. To get that chance 16 times in a row without success is something I can’t quite wrap my head around. Oh, and Eric Montross called...he just wanted to wish you congratulations. Said even he had never had a run of futility quite like that.
And over here is my good friend Charlie Villanue...wait, what is this? Are you sleeping during my rant?!? WAKE UP, CHARLIE...WAKE UP!
VILLANUEVA: (Groggy...slowly opening eyes) I heard somebody yelling. Is the post game buffet open yet? Hey Coach, while you’re up, you mind grabbing me the back third of that party sub? Everyone knows they put the best meat on the ends.
CHEEKS: This is hopeless. You guys are hopeless. In fact, what am I even doing here? I have coached eight years in this league, and you know how many playoff series I’ve won? That’s right. A goose egg. Nada. Not a single one. I once took over a Portland team coming off a 50-win season. Three years and change later, that was a 27-win club. Then I went to Philly for a handful of seasons and never even finished .500. Tell me how I got this job. No really, feel free to speak...does anyone actually know how I got this job??
Let me tell you a little secret, guys. I submitted my application as a joke. I was up real late one night watching one of the Naked Gun movies. Just completely laughing my behind off. Obviously, all of the laughter was on the inside, because as you guys have seen, my facial expression never changes. Ever.
So anyway, I’m inner-giggling, having a good old time with Drebin and Nordberg, and I get an e-mail alert that the Pistons head coaching position is still open. Now, of course I figured this is a franchise looking to rebuild with a fresh, new face. They just got done with a retread coach (Lawrence Frank), so they’re not gonna hire another. They’ll bring in a hot college name or one of those Spurs assistants that always seem to be so smart. But I clicked through the pages anyway and entered my name. I didn’t even fill out the cover letter part. Well, that’s not entirely true. I wrote something. It asked for between 5 and 500 words, so I typed in, “You can just call me Mo.” I know how people enjoy calling one another by little nicknames nowadays, so I thought that might give me the upper hand. Whaddya know, it worked!
What in the Sam Hill?? Is that Jerebko in the corner? Front and center, Jonas! How is it that you are still on this team? Didn’t we cut you in the pre-season? I honestly cannot recall seeing you play for us once this year. (Looks down at his numbers) Okay, it’s telling me you’ve logged almost 200 minutes. That just doesn’t ring a bell. I’m gonna level with ya, kid; I thought you played for the Timberwolves. Literally had no idea you were still here. Didn’t the league force us to get rid of you when we signed Gigi Datome? I was led to believe each club was only permitted one gawky, minimally-talented, European forward at a time. I guess we got away with that one. Or not.
Well, I think that’s all I’ve got today, boys. I don’t really know where to go from here, or how things are going to get better. The schedule has been paper-thin and we’ve been getting clocked. Maybe I need to start calling some plays. First things first, I need to get us a playbook. I think I can borrow an old one from Abdenour. That guy keeps everything; still has the athletic tape that he used to wrap Cadillac Anderson’s hammy with back in ’93. Tell me that’s not the creepiest thing you’ve heard this week.
So go grab a shower and get some rest. Three-game roadie coming up this week, and none of the opponents are any good. Let’s try and get at least two W’s. Or maybe even one. Heck, I’d settle for a tie. Plane leaves for New York tonight.
(Now Cheeks is whispering...away from the direction of Josh Smith)
Last thing, guys. And this is hush-hush. I told Josh that we just hit the All-Star break and our next game isn’t till March. He took the bait, so don’t blow my cover.
This might finally be our chance to turn things around...
