Millions of Americans will spend today celebrating Christmas. However, millions will also celebrate the War on Christmas instead. Basically, the War on Christmas is exactly like Christmas except WOC celebrants, as a Yuletide gift to Fox News programmers, refuse to remember the "reason for the season." Some even pass on Santa Claus and Christmas ham. In Fox News country, that alone might be considered a hostile act of war.
Our Jewish friends have pioneered many of our nation's greatest non-Christmas 12/25 traditions. They will not exchange presents today. Or light a Yule log and drink eggnog. At least most of them won't. Instead, they mostly will go out for Chinese food and a movie—because TBS’ 24 hours of “A Christmas Story” does nothing for them.
Just how true is that? You might recall during the Senate confirmation hearings in 2010 when Sen. Lindsey Graham asked Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan where she was on Christmas, to which she replied: "You know, like all Jews, I was probably at a Chinese restaurant."
"You were with your family on Christmas day at a Chinese restaurant," Graham said. "That's great. That's what Chanukah and Christmas is all about."
As a service to our readers who wish to avoid all things Christmas today--because you're not Christian or because you want to make Fox morning host Steve Doocy's head explode or maybe because you just can't pretend to enjoy your Aunt Bertha's cranberry-date loaf anymore, here are some local Chinese restaurants that will be open, as well as movies playing today.
L'chaim!
Christmas Day Chinese Restaurants
Wonton Palace; 5562 Cooley Lake Road; Waterford Township, MI 48327; (248) 683-5073
Wing’s Garden; 8410 W 9 Mile Rd; Oak Park, MI 48237; (248) 544-1021
Shangri-La; 6407 Orchard Lake Road; West Bloomfield Township, MI 48322; (248) 626-8585
Peking House; 215 South Washington Avenue; Royal Oak, MI 48067; (248) 545-2700
New Peking; 29105 Ford Road; Garden City, MI 48135; (734) 425-2230
China Café; 24299 Novi Road; Novi, MI 48375; (248) 449-4888
In Theaters Today
Jack Reacher: Tom Cruise plays a character that is pretty much Jason Bourne if Jason Bourne believed psychology was an evil plot created by an alien named Xenu. At least that’s how it looks in the trailer.
Lincoln: It’s been out six weeks already, why haven’t you seen Lincoln? The surprise ending (SPOILER ALERT: Booth dies falling off his horse before he gets to Ford’s Theater) is totally worth the price of admission. Honestly, you should have seen Lincoln by now.
Zero Dark Thirty: Andy from Parks and Recreation kills Osama Bin Laden.
Taken 2: Liam Neeson is his generation’s Michael Caine, an exceptionally talented actor who will appear in any piece of crap for the right price. Taken 2 will be exactly as terrible as the original. Mel Gibson does not yell GIVE ME BACK MY SON! That was a different, equally awful kidnap movie.
This Is 40: Judd Apatow does another movie about upper middle class Gen Xers with sexy jobs grappling with adulthood. This one has Albert Brooks, so Christmas Day movie enthusiasts can be assured their parents will like it.
The Hobbit: No, really, even though you’ve already seen it 12 times the rest of your family absolutely wants to see it with you.
Life of Pi: Some kid is stuck on a raft with a Tiger for two hours and five minutes. I don’t know, either. This must be one of those movies you have to pretend to love or everyone will think you're a terrible person.
Les Miserables: Revolutions in France were always pretty terrible what with all the beheadings, but the music...oh the music!
The Guilt Tip: Barbara Streisand plays Seth Rogan’s overbearing mother in this road trip comedy. It’s as if G-d created the perfect comedy to see on Christmas Day and named it The Guilt Trip.
