The Detroit Lions are off to a particularly rough start: Four games, four losses and a head coach who seems at a loss to provide answers.
Blame falls in many places: lack of a running game, uninspiring quarterback play, an occasionally leaky defense and play calling on offense that’s about as imaginative as an episode of The Bachelor.
One piece of this mismatched puzzle that never seems to change is Coach Jim Caldwell's weekly exchanges with the media. Be it a Monday press conference or a mid-week radio hit, Caldwell has shown a bizarre unwillingness to provide straightforward responses to the most basic of questions.
A reporter will ask about the status of an ankle for a marginal player such as LaAdrian Waddle and Caldwell ducks and dodges the details like he's withholding top-secret intel from the Taliban. Someone will try to get Caldwell to offer a quote on officiating and he changes the subject to next week’s game. Then someone inquires about next week’s game and he offers a cliché about the season as a whole.
It doesn’t make him entirely unique from the rest of the head honchos in the NFL. These days, coaches and managers in pro sports have become increasingly robotic, displaying less of their personality, causing many of them to look and sound the same.
But Caldwell often takes it to the next level. You listen to him give a five-minute radio interview during the week, and when it completes, the hosts share an awkward pause and then exhale as if they just got done interrogating an uncooperative crime witness.
With that in mind, we offer a glimpse into the life of Jim Caldwell.
He's at a diner trying to order breakfast, with mixed results.
Read on and maybe you'll get to know the more free-wheeling, less buttoned-up version of everyday-life Jim Caldwell. Then again, maybe you won't.
Scene: Breakfast. Allen Park, 8 am. Jim Caldwell, seated alone at a side booth.
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Waitress: Welcome to Breakfast Town!! Can I take your order?
Jim Caldwell: Now let’s just take a step back for a moment. I know the place is called Breakfast Town, but I never declared I’d be ordering a breakfast item. Those were your words.
W: Oh, I’m so sorry, sir. I guess since it’s 8:00 in the morning I thought you’d be in the mood for some eggs and bacon like most of the other customers.
JC: And I just might. I haven’t ruled anything out. But I’m not really willing to disclose a ton of information about the subject at this point in the week.
W: Hmm, I don’t know what you mean by that. Would it be helpful if I went and got the manager? I think he might be here today, but I’m not certain.
JC: I appreciate that Miss, but let’s try not to focus on who’s not here. Because I think that starts to become excuse-making and I don’t believe in excuses.
W: And I would never suggest that! It just seemed like we weren’t really making any progress here, so I thought maybe my boss could help. I’ll just keep it really simple from now on: What can I get you to eat?
JC: See, now I understand that things have gotten off to a rocky start thus far in our conversation. I’m aware of that. But also be aware that there is a lot of time left in this meal. I believe in this process. I’ve been having meals in diners for a long time, and I know that a series of miscommunications to begin a breakfast or lunch order does not mean that I still can’t eat some top-notch food before I walk out of this restaurant.
W: (utterly confused) So going back to our first exchange, it seems like you're leaning toward our lunch items. I should mention that we are known for our tuna melt!
JC: Again, those types of reviews on specific sandwiches, that’s out of my control. I’m not going to focus on that. If I order the tuna melt and I think it’s a delicious sandwich, I’d be comfortable saying that. But at this point, to me, the people that have had that sandwich before me, they’ve digested the food already and I’m not going to linger on their opinions.
W: Just so I understand, do you still plan to order food? Because I have six other tables and Linda called in sick with a bad stomach.
JC: The thing is, I’m not going to comment on Linda at this point. She has not been checked out by our medical staff, and when she does, at that point, we’ll have some more information. But really I’m more concerned with what’s going on right now with this menu and this upcoming meal.
W: Your medical staff? Do you run a hospital? I don’t understand any of this. I just need to know, sir, if you plan on making a breakfast or lunch order any time in the next hour.
JC: I’ll tell you where I’m at. The first thing that I noticed was the baked ziti, but that's not something I'm willing to commit to right now. Then the oatmeal caught my eye; unfortunately, it's not a full meal and I'm not starting the day with a 60% effort. Finally, I flipped my menu over and saw the salmon scramble. It’s filling, healthy, it's breakfast-appropriate; checks all the boxes. But is it the best order I can really make? That's unclear. So long story short, I have not put a depth chart out for this meal yet. When that happens, you’ll get a better idea of who or what we’ll be looking to rely on this morning.
W: So . . . you’re . . . not having anything? One of the other waitresses told me that you were in here a few weeks ago and you had sort of a stressful encounter with some kind of strawberry omelette. Is that what’s making this so difficult?
JC: Now that there is a problem for me. Because I specifically instructed the girls on staff that day that we were going to put the whole fruit-strawberry omelette thing behind us. I don’t want it to linger. I don’t want these people talking about it because it’s over and done with. Now you can take that situation and drag it out through the whole morning here, talk about how the strawberry never had a place in the omelette, how it was a culinary atrocity for the sugary fruit to wind up in the belly of those eggs, but if we all remain focused on that particular ordering mistake, act like “Woe is me,” then none of us really improve and what happens is you try to go have your next meal and you get your ears kicked in.
W: Ears kicked in? Is that even an expression? I think I’ve tried everything here. Maybe you can wait until shift change and see if you have better luck with the next waitress in this section.
JC: And that’s perfectly fine. I know the margin for error in this diner is extremely small. Very slim. I’m aware that if I don’t execute right, I wind up with another fruit omelette. If I don’t pay enough attention to the clock, I wind up with the meatloaf platter at the crack of dawn. The best thing I can do here is just put this one behind me, and when it comes time for another meal on another day, we’ll just go tee it up again.
W: OK, sir. You have a nice day. And just a suggestion, next time maybe just make your order online. The question-and-answer thing does not seem to be your strong suit.
JC: All things I will take into consideration throughout the week. I’m always looking for ways to improve, to win the day; so if that means eating at home exclusively from now on, or just surviving on a diet of Gatorade and Snickers bars, these are all things I’ll look for on tape and see what grades out. Thanks for your patience, ma’am. Those are all the questions I have time for today.
