The NFL is supposed to be the top sports league in the world. It’s said to be the most entertaining, the most dramatic, the one rife with juicy storylines each and every week.
My Uncle Jon even confusingly asked me Sunday night why I penned a piece last week on baseball, once our national pastime, but now clearly the scrawnier younger brother to the phenomenon that is professional football.
My response was simple: “Did you watch the Lions-Vikings game?”
He had not. He’d been on a cross-country flight. A luckier man he could not be.
Those of us that were subjected to the Minneapolis Horror Show on Sunday afternoon know all too well that NFL football can in fact be quite the bore. Not compelling, not exciting, not worth multiple hours on a gorgeous September day.
Hey! There’s Joique Bell showing the acceleration of a minivan on another two-yard carry.
Look out! There’s Matthew Stafford escaping the pocket looking just like Fran Tarkenton. Tarkenton in 2015, that is.
Soft on D, Lifeless on O
The defense was like every other Lions defense since 1992; shaky in the secondary, penalties at the most inopportune times, and a general bend-but-don’t-break approach that looks particularly uninspiring when taking place against a middling offense like that of the Vikings.
But just when you thought the excitement level could not get ratcheted up even a single bit more, there would be another yawn-inducing instant replay review. At one point, announcer Sam Rosen mournfully added, “This will be our seventh replay challenge of the game.” It wasn’t exaggeration or embellishment. A poorly played game between two uneven NFC teams somehow managed to become even harder to stomach when coupled with this marathon of officiating breaks.
People complain that the sport of baseball lacks action, that there is too much downtime in a three-hour span. I've got news for you. Football is coming after that distinction, and it’s driving hard. The pace of play was so stilted during this Lions-Vikings epic that I’d flip over to watch some of Bill Laimbeer’s NY Liberty in the WNBA playoffs, stay there for probably 5-7 minutes, then click back over to football only to discover that I’d missed all of one play from scrimmage.
The Oscars telecast called -- it wants its flat, dull, too-long block of time back.
Maybe I’m not being fair. Maybe the Lions play was more thrilling than I’m giving them credit for.
There was that one unforgettable series when Stafford continued to look to a blanketed Golden Tate. He’d fire the ball into coverage or several yards over the receiver’s head, then Tate and Stafford would spend several seconds barking and making “throw the flag” motions at the referees. Talk about compelling theater!
And people have the nerve to title Bill Walsh as an offensive innovator. His modest “West Coast” approach that produced multiple championships can't hold a candle to this unending stream of intermediate throws, begging for laundry, and inexplicable aversion to downfield attempts.
It’s almost not worth discussing since it’s been the status quo for years now, but really, why is this franchise so against the deep ball? Or even any throw traveling more than 6-8 yards beyond the line of scrimmage? Isn’t the strength of our quarterback supposed to be, you know, his arm strength?
I understand a guy like Peyton Manning trying to piecemeal his way down the field with a 39-year-old body and fingers on his right hand that he hasn’t had feeling in since like 2007. But in his prime, he was looking down the sideline to Marvin Harrison or up the seam to Dallas Clark every other play.
The Lions finally did heave a ball down to Calvin Johnson and wound up collecting a healthy gain off a pass interference penalty. Go figure that attempting to connect with one of the most feared receivers in league history could result in good things for the offense. Who knew?!?!?
It’s not that the Lions lost, that they dropped to 0-2, that the season now appears about as promising as that upcoming horrendous-looking remake of Point Break.
It’s more that the entire product is just awful.
Above all else, the NFL, and professional sports as a whole, provide us with entertainment. We care about the results, we root passionately for our club to emerge victorious, but win or lose, it’s supposed to make for an enjoyable of couple hours in front of the TV.
Yesterday did nothing of the sort.
Anything Would Be An Improvement
My brother attended an atrocious 10-3 Tigers loss that took three and a half hours to play, and I was jealous of his afternoon. At least he got some fresh air.
Between the vanilla play-calling, the subpar quarterbacking, the countless fumbles, and excruciating replay reviews for virtually every spot of the ball, it was NFL football at its very worst.
When the aforementioned Rosen referred oddly to Stafford as “having been outstanding” (On the day? For his career?), it became disturbingly apparent that even veteran broadcasters could become loopy and dazed when trying to add a little color to such uninteresting on-field play.
If it feels like this commentary is a tad harsh, it’s only because of the bitterness knowing that this time spent Lions-watching is not something I can get back.
I could have stared at the wall. Walked in circles. Cleaned every countertop in the house.
All would have been superior options than subjecting my sports-loving soul to this goopy mess of gridiron boredom.
Who am I to complain, though? Even if the game left much to be desired, at least we had the affable quote machine that is Jim Caldwell to deliver his post-game remarks. I’ve heard more interesting things said in silent films of the 1920s.
But despite the loss, I am thankful -- thankful that the NFL schedule requires each team take the field just once a week.
Lions’ games can be painful and repetitive experiences, but at least the calendar permits us six days to recover from the wreckage; a very small Honolulu blue-and-silver lining during this most depressing start to the 2015 campaign.
